Hallo Deutschland!!!: Tough Times Call for More Kleenex...

(as written on 10/15/2010...I was on a train without my computer)

I knew this would be hard. But I never knew it would be this hard. They said I'd go through culture shock, but I thought, "I'm strong, it won't get me down."

They even said some people would want to go home. "NO way, not me!!!"

And then...a few days ago it hit me. I mean it really hit me. I thought I was going through culture shock before, when I was living with the host family. But now, it's hitting me really hard. I can't believe how strong the urge is to just give up and go home.

This is very unlike me. I do not quit. I am strong, independent, and self-motivated. But...I miss my family, my friends, and oh man, I really miss my cat!!! I miss knowing where everything is and how everything works. I miss knowing and understanding the language spoken all around me.

And now, I don't know how anything works, I don't know where anything is, and I cannot speak the language beyond a few very basic things. I hate feeling so silent and awkward. I can't understand my roommates let alone have a conversation with them. I can barely understand what my teachers are saying and I find myself struggling to keep up. My boyfriend has to go back to the States and I'm afraid we'll break up. (Just like "they" said we all would...)

Oh and it's cold here. I mean really, REALLY cold.

It's insane how hard this is. One sentence keeps running through my mind. "Why did I do this to myself!?!?"

Despite what you are now most likely thinking, I am not writing this to scare you off. I am writing this because this is real. Studying abroad is difficult in almost every aspect. I am writing this for two reasons:

1) I know that I will be ok and I will get through this, but really only because I was told I would go through this. And since I knew this would happen, I don't feel isolated and stupid for coming here. I know what I am feeling is normal. And if you study abroad, you need to know this too!!

2) I am also writing this for myself. So when I start feeling better, I can look back on this and see how far I've come. Because I know that I will feel better. All I have to do is have faith in myself and hang in there.

Know how I know? Because "they" said I would. Every student I spoke with who went through this program last year had a fantastic time. When I explain how I'm feeling now, they say, "Oh yea...I remember that."

So what to do until I get past all this? Same as usual. Stay active, keep busy, and never stop exploring this new city of mine. I'm trying to put myself out there and keep practicing my German, no matter how bad I think it is.

Deep down, I know that I just need to stick it out and enjoy myself as much as possible. Go along for the ride and leave the Kleenex at home!