Tough Times Call for More Kleenex...

(as written on 10/15/2010...I was on a train without my computer)

I knew this would be hard. But I never knew it would be this hard. They said I'd go through culture shock, but I thought, "I'm strong, it won't get me down."

They even said some people would want to go home. "NO way, not me!!!"

And then...a few days ago it hit me. I mean it really hit me. I thought I was going through culture shock before, when I was living with the host family. But now, it's hitting me really hard. I can't believe how strong the urge is to just give up and go home.

This is very unlike me. I do not quit. I am strong, independent, and self-motivated. But...I miss my family, my friends, and oh man, I really miss my cat!!! I miss knowing where everything is and how everything works. I miss knowing and understanding the language spoken all around me.

And now, I don't know how anything works, I don't know where anything is, and I cannot speak the language beyond a few very basic things. I hate feeling so silent and awkward. I can't understand my roommates let alone have a conversation with them. I can barely understand what my teachers are saying and I find myself struggling to keep up. My boyfriend has to go back to the States and I'm afraid we'll break up. (Just like "they" said we all would...)

Oh and it's cold here. I mean really, REALLY cold.

It's insane how hard this is. One sentence keeps running through my mind. "Why did I do this to myself!?!?"

Despite what you are now most likely thinking, I am not writing this to scare you off. I am writing this because this is real. Studying abroad is difficult in almost every aspect. I am writing this for two reasons:

1) I know that I will be ok and I will get through this, but really only because I was told I would go through this. And since I knew this would happen, I don't feel isolated and stupid for coming here. I know what I am feeling is normal. And if you study abroad, you need to know this too!!
 
2) I am also writing this for myself. So when I start feeling better, I can look back on this and see how far I've come. Because I know that I will feel better. All I have to do is have faith in myself and hang in there.

Know how I know? Because "they" said I would. Every student I spoke with who went through this program last year had a fantastic time. When I explain how I'm feeling now, they say, "Oh yea...I remember that."

So what to do until I get past all this? Same as usual. Stay active, keep busy, and never stop exploring this new city of mine. I'm trying to put myself out there and keep practicing my German, no matter how bad I think it is.

Deep down, I know that I just need to stick it out and enjoy myself as much as possible. Go along for the ride and leave the Kleenex at home!

Neckar River, Tübingen

                                                       

Makin' burritos, a little taste of home!

East Side Gallery, Berlin Wall

http://www.iie.org/en/Programs/Gilman-Scholarship-Program

Feeling weird...again

A few days after the last post, I started feeling much better. Much more comfortable. Not so weirded out.

Maybe it was because the sun was finally shining. Maybe it was because I got all my stuff unpacked and my new room all set up. Maybe it was because of the great shoe store I found right around the corner.

And then I went to Prague. This is my 3rd trip to Prague, because this is where my boyfriend lives. We came to Europe together, with the hope of staying here together for the next year. Although he is suffering from the same culture shock symptoms I am wading my way through, he is nice and settled here in Prague. Nice job, nice apartment, great roommates, and really awesome new friends. And Prague is happening. Breathtakingly beautiful and full of culture and history, Prague is definitely the place to be.

But now....we don't know if he can stay. It's long, complicated, and beureaucratic to the max. The reality is that if he goes home, things aren't looking so good for us. We're willing to try the long distance thing, but it's very hard to be in a relationship where you can't see the other person for months on end. And with school being my number one priority, I may not be able to live in the same city as him for 2 years.

Ouch.

I'm only writing about this because this is definitely something to consider when choosing to study abroad. Being so far from the person you love is nearly impossible--most everyone in my program who started out in a relationship has broken up with their partner by now.

So, now, I'm sitting in his house, waiting for him to come home from work, and wondering what the future holds in store for us. Feelin' weird again. I wish I knew what was going to happen. Hmmmm wait...no I don't. That would be way too boring.

I'm starting school in a few days, but now after 10 days in the Czech Republic, I'm not sure I even know how to speak German anymore...I'm scared!!! But that's not until Monday.

For now...I'm in beautiful Prague....and loving every minute :)

Prague Castle